will

I feel like I've lost the will to live just because of something that went terribly wrong for over and over again. It's not htat I never wanted to go to school at USC, I just wasn't READY to GO TO SCHOOL. Sure it's a simple thing, but had it been for me the whole thing, No. All I needed was a little push, that didn't work. Well maybe a lot of pushing, well that dind't work too. surprise surprise. A lot of talking and some conversation but never have I understood what I was trying to say because somehow I chose what to say and they also choose what to say. They listen but they give a different answer. I've lived the life of a confident person, and I am now living the life of a shy person. Shy because of what I had done and cannot do anymore because of fear and the outcomes that I know would be mroe possible. Pretending what may happen is hard when you don't even want to do it. What do you do really when you don't know what to do anymore, when you don;t want to do what you're doing anymore. I need the one with the right answer, with the right experience from they had. Because nobody is going through with what I am going through and it's not even one of them right here.

Feels like I'm stuck with what I want to do and what they'd want me to do which is to be believed as the right thing though.

• I don't mind not having the clearance signed.
• I don't mind having no degree but seems like the people around me requires it for me, to bring out what was back then. When it was happy.

 I want a do over. But you can't. You barely can have it. Even just for my old self. The one that was sonfident I can make it alone. If my wolrd would just be okay at what I'd do and believe that I can make it even better. Nag binuang lang sa school bati na kaagad ang kalalabasan when it comes to dealing with the outside world. Howe can I prove it, HOW CAN I MAKE THEM BE CLOSE TO ME even though of what I'd do and even be against at what they are saying. They break me, sila Mama og Mima they brek as if as my life would be really dark and heavy if I wouldn't have a degree. If I wouldn't continue going to school. What if I don't enjoy the school, what if I really am different, WAHT IF they are noat in a sorority and I stood out, that's why I feel down BECAUSE ONce again, I stood out. I stand out that's why and people don't like that. They want it to be their time to stand out because of people exatly like me have been standing out ever since the public saw me. 

1. I am lazy.
2. i don't like to go to work.
3. I like to go to work,
4. i won't be lazy if I'd love it, so much.
5. i want to be different because I have been. 
6. I have my own, i just don't want to leave the people around me. though they leave. They still leave. But it would be nice to go home to with someone waiting excited that you're home or something. That you arrived in front of them. An emotional moment. 

If I could ask my father 1 more chance, one more chance to have a talk with him with just one late night, I'd ask him everything. Because I feel like I am going to a waste phase in this life.